just a quick message from germany. just got to bavaria today after spending 4 days in berlin. more trip details soon!

on losing love.

When I realize that she is gone, perhaps gone forever, a great void opens up and I feel that I am falling, falling, falling into deep, black space. And this is worse than tears, deeper than regret or pain or sorrow; it is the abyss into which Satan was plunged. There is no climbing back, no ray of light, no sound of human voice or human touch of hand.
--Henry Miller (Tropic of Cancer)

No, nothing is wrong, this was just in the book i'm reading and thought it was a good description.

back from aberdeen and stonehaven. the dunnottar castle was really great, and the weather couldn't have been better. like always, pictures to come...eventually.

off to aberdeen with emily for a couple days...

check out the view from matt's room. saturdays are special...two military tattoo shows.

sorry, part of me is still a geek, and i find things like 'installing windows XP' hilarious. i just hope i never have to reinstall XP on my laptop.

today is one of the warmest days of the year in scotland. i left the flat to run some errands, and to try to get some work done in a cafe (the library, my silent sanctuary being closed on saturdays), afterwards i read in george sq. it felt unbelievable hot. i just check the tempurature: 76F, 24C. and to think about the times when i used play soccer in 90F+ heat! i've certainly become conditioned to cooler weather.

i just decided to do some packing of things that i wasn't going to be needing, so that just before my germany trip, i can send them home and they'll be back around the same time i get there. it me happy that i only filled a box half full of books, and realized the rest of my posessions are clothes, shoes, a few pictures, cds, and my laptop. i don't think packing will be much of a problem.

just found out my poem has been accepted for publication in the next issue of Island by essence press. this makes me very happy! i owe a lot to the guidance of valerie. she has been published in Island as well (as have alan spence and thomas a. clark, all who have multiple volumes of poetry published) and put me in touch with the editor. something to celebrate this weekend.

it honestly seems as if edinburgh becomes an entirely different city during the festival. (at least here in city centre)

last night i had a dream. it was a revelation really. it explained some truth. it was clear, enlightening, life-changing. but i was too tired and didn't get up and write it down. now can't remember it. nothing.

broken social scene is good. i recommend their cd.

something occurred to me tonight. to me a big part of love is about choice. it is about choosing to invest time, energy, emotion--your self--in a relationship with another person. loving someone deeply is a sublime feeling, it is a feeling of understanding, acceptance. when someone chooses to place their focus elsewhere, that's when hurt comes in. for a long time i was bitter and resentful about times when people turned away from me, but i think i'm getting better with that.

this blog has also become a bit of a collective representation for wanting to continue to share with all my friends and family. perhaps that seems impersonal, since this is all public domain blah blah. instead, think of it as at least a symbol of my desire to continue to invest/interact with you (however vague at times...thanks for always pointing that out ryan).

the blog may ooze sentimentality for the next month or so. i just tend to get that way during major transistions. i trust you'll understand.

i had a three hour conversation with a friend today, which was really good. the bad part was that afterwards it made me realize how badly humans treat each other--sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. we both agreed that we (and generalizing for most of humanity) can also get over anything. that left a question of whether anything held long term meaning, since it could be replace, forgotten, or left behind. is it worth trying to maintain something that is good, knowing that it could be replaced? or is it better to let things be transient, taking what comes just while it is there? ah, i know i can't capture the three hours of conversation here to really convey what i want to say. but it was the first really philosophically charged chat i've had in a while, and it felt good.

the tattoo has started here in edinburgh, bringing these crowds every night for the next several weeks. (that was probably the background noise you heard on the phone, heather)

just when you think you can relax. i thought i had a pretty good idea of what was going to happen for next year after about two weeks of stressing out, decision making, and trying to work out start times etc. of course, now i might be going through it all over again--hopefully not, but i'm a pessimist. needless to say, i still do not have any clear idea of what is going to happen in the near future--i just hope i have some sort of income. it's hard to believe that holding computer engineering and creative writing degrees, and with two years of corporate consulting experience, i may not be able to find a job.

maybe eating dirt as a kid is a good thing. (link courtesy of 'dad')

wow, pittsburgh ranked #2 in this list of beautiful spots in america. (thanks to amanda for the link)

i saw "Good Bye Lenin" today. a cute movie about a german family that struggles to stay together even after the east and west are united. it was recommended by my german friends. it would have been better if they were there to explain some of the things, but i enjoyed it none-the-less.

when i got back i had a bit of a scare when the lady that runs the organization i was planning to work with next year told me that they all their funding was cancelled. however, there is still a position for me under a bit of a different organization, although the work is the same. so, for now i can relax.

i'll be hiking in the Pentland Hills today.